Often in movies, we see the protagonist,the tragedy-ridden character in it went full unconscious after a car accident, and the car barely wrecked by the impact, just a moderate - not so fatal dent at the door, and the protagonist with a minor injury at the head. The drama, we've all been waiting for it. " Aww he got hit and fainted, hope he's okay" . Not for me. For the mind is not such a fragile thing to be cracked open and rendered obsolete by a juvenile collision. No 'aww' for me, no one's going to ever ask if I'm alright,slap my cheeks, cry for me or shake me out of the limbo. It's just me, upside down in the pouring rain, in the goddamn car. So I grab the keys from the ignition and sigh. Then I step outside, into the drain with the water up to my waist, and in this moment I'm dreaming of chocolate sundae with waffles,strawberries, and my warm cozy bed,snuggling with my ol' blankie and watching Doctor Who. Because that's what I would be doing, instead of getting soaked in this downpour, watching the bottom of my car. I glanced at the zenith with squinted eyes, just to feel the rain on my face, then I struggled across the drain and rest my buns upon the roadside dirt, where the trees shade me from the rain, a space just perfect for lighting a cigarette and to think what the hell just happened.
"Stay clear here sir, this place is a common sight of accidents" so this Indian guy, out of nowhere, came to help."When it's raining this spot is really dangerous. You should've drove slowly". Did I say anything about me driving fast? No I didn't, this guy just Xavier-ed me and told me what the actual shit happened, and he hit the spot. A professional dart player. A maestro of the highway, he knows exactly why the goddamn car flipped, and I didn't even know where did he came from.
"You okay sir?"
"I'm alright, one piece" so I say, howling a long drag of smoke, punctured by the rain and whiff of wet grass.
"You wait here, I'm going to call a tow truck"
"No need, I'll walk from here"
The goddamn car is a total-loss, it's way too wrecked, the roof is leveled, the boot is gaping, and the engine, obliterated. Such miracle it is that I'm still alive, and I'm still making decisions with my life and I've decided, that I'm going to walk back, commute by any means, to my house, have a chocolate sundae strawberry waffle, snuggle in my blanket and watch Doctor Who in the dark. Yes, in the dark. The light would spoil anything, even sex. I wouldn't have enough money to repair that goddamn car and the towing services but I still have my sundae in the fridge back home, which is good, and my wallet in the back pocket that's a little bit sodden, which is still good too considering most people lose their belongings in a car crash like this. I'll just have to go slowly, and eventually, everything will be fine, as long as I'm intact with myself I'm fine.
"You can't do that sir, it's against the law" the Indian said, he didn't even go for shelter under the trees, he just stood there at the other side of the drain, just beside my goddamn car, with both hands gripping his waist like a boss.
"Okay then, call it" I don't even know what goddamn law there is for this kind of event.
Then the guy went into his car, an old blue Datsun with - whatever it is called on top of the hood to get his cell phone. As he turns his back to me I bailed the scene. No bulls shot, just straight up running, no turning back, into the woods just far enough so that the Indian guy couldn't find me. When I've made my decision, it's final. My father would've wanted to stop me but he couldn't.

                I don't want to get lost in the woods though, so I'll just follow the road from the outer part of the roadside, just almost into the woods but not deep enough, because it will be too dark to be safe and pleasurable footing, and soon I'll find some civilization, so from there I can look for buses or taxis and make my way back home. Sorry mister Indian, mister maestro of the highway, mister Xavier, whatever, I really appreciate you trying your best to fulfill your duty, but you can't change my decisions, maybe you will find someone who deserves your help, and may you live a prosperous life of helping people. I mean it.

Sometimes we just walked past a stranger, and we feel the need to talk to them, about whatever and however, but we didn't, and that right moment was lost. It was never again to be written and the person would never again cross this intertwined lines of life

Another drag of cigarette is all i need, relishing this moment of fear, confusion, anxiety. I almost puked at the bathroom sink, not because of the unpleasant smell of a common public toilet, but from the sheer anxiety. I don't even know why but everytime I feel so scared, so anxious, so depressed, I feel like puking. I just want the vomit to be in a form of pure gold. So that I could do something with my intestinal findings, not just washing it away with water, like dusting over a dream drawn on a blackboard with chalks. I rarely puke to be honest. Just the sensation. But I love it. I swear. And in this exact moment, I realized I made the wrong choice.

The first part in which I don't know what to say. My choice of words are poor. But I won't give a damn. I really wont

I would''ve wished that you would listen to me. But you won't. Why would you anyway? It's not like I'm a philosophical doctor that's just recently won a gold award in whatever conventions made anywhere. But, somehow, you know I'm right. You feel the need of heeding to my very words. Just for the sake of I don't even know what the fuck. So here's the thing, I'm listening to minecraft's music - and I swear if you would know what the fuck I am talking about, reward yourself with a nice cold orange juice.Yep, you deserved it. Oh, as a matter of fact, it's not really the MIDI type music of minecraft, it's a remix version, in drums and bass format, genre, whatever, and if you noticed the beads of sweat that made my forehead looked shiny, you could tell that I am indeed, in need of a shade, or a cool drink. It would made my day better, I think as I watched the trees. The fucking trees. Sure, the sun is a lot of fun for them, you know, chlorophylls, photosynthesis and shit. But too much fun, it's a deadly sin as my furthest sight could only see brown trees, no green. Even the grass is turning its colours, merging together with the cracked soil. The harmony of death.

I paid the RM500. A collateral. Entrance fee. I don't even know what to say and I proceed to the registration centre, amazed by how fucked up the registration system is. Asking people to run around looking for the correct place to land my name, address, phone numbers and my sacred signature. The lack of integrity that this so called systematic administration trying to portray is depressing. At one time they said that the registration would end at 5. I arrived at 3, just to witness a sight of a previous robbery, I mean the chairs, tables, scattered around, some were jumbled up, upside down and not even a single sane individual was spotted. Sighing, I asked around, and how would I know that my lazy ass could even challenge another lazy ass that was sitting on a fucking chair, in an air conditioned room telling me that the registration was over. I can't blame him for sitting and not giving a damn that I just came in his room and tried to shake hands with him while standing. You can't really blame these senseless people, or in another case which I am the one with overwhelming feels, trying to convey them everywhere.

Kontrak

Tirai berlabuh

Gelap

Mana sorak tepuk ?

Mana ?

Dan dalam kegelapan itu

Yang sejuk itu

Yang memenuhi itu

Aku bertanya

Sedikit nada berbisik

Kerana mungkin aku sudah gila, bercakap dengan diri sendiri

Aku tidak mahu orang tahu aku ini gila

" Aku dimana " 

Senyap 

Sunyi

Bila kau keseorangan,

Kegelapan itu memekat

Pasrah

Menangis aku

Terbentak di hatiku

" Mungkin... "

" Ya "

" .Benarkah ? "

" Ya "

" Siapa kau ? "

" Masa berkenalan sudah habis ! "

Aku cuba memeluk tubuhku dalam kegelapan pahit itu

Sia sia

Terpaku 

Atas perbaringan yang tak bernama

" Aku rindu akan ibu bapaku "

" Mereka pun rindukan kau "

" Aku rindu akan rakanku "

" Mereka pasti rindukan kau juga "

" Sampai bila aku disini ? "

" Sesungguhnya aku tiada jawapan untuk soalan itu "

" ... "

Terdiam aku ...

Aku sudahi perlumbaan aku 

Aku tidak menang

Tidak juga kalah

Sesungguhnya aku kerugian

Jahanamlah aku

Celakalah aku

" Selamat datang ke barzakh "

- Berikut adalah mimpi aku beberapa bulan lepas. Sekadar tazkirah -

Of Colours and Ghosts

This pile of scattered pillow-flesh , Weeping , Wooing , Calling my name The remnants of dreams They used to give

Exotopia

There's a gold fish In a jar On my desk Inside my room Waiting Someone to tell him He is not Human

Dark Evening

One cannot ask

What is there for him

When he's waited

Too long

He has done so much

To be wasted

Eaten alive

______________________________

Humans

Are slaves